Just as after every day comes the night, you too, have a dark side. The concept of “the shadow self” was first coined by Swiss psychologist Carl Jung. He said that the shadow self is the “part of your personality that your conscious ego doesn’t want to be associated with.”
You’ll reject this part of your personality so much to the point that you don’t realize it’s there. You’ll criticize the aspects of your shadow self by judging them harshly when you see them in someone else.
When we think about our journey of self-growth and healing, images of crystals, incense, and meditation probably come to mind. Incorporating your space with love and light makes sense when you’re trying to blossom into the person you’re hoping to become.
However, when you’re trying to heal your inner wounds, love and light aren’t all that’s needed. The darkness of your shadow self surprisingly plays a huge factor in successfully healing and flourishing you into a better person. Keep reading to learn to practice shadow work in the healthiest way possible.
What Is The Shadow Self-
When you come into this world as a baby you have no capacity to change your personality. You have zero desire to fit the mold that society or your parents want you to eventually fill.
If you want to be fed, held, or changed you’ll scream until you get what you want. As you grow older and begin to find your voice, you start to lose it as well.
Society, teachers, and parents will tell you that acting a certain way is good while another is bad. If you grew up religious you probably had a strict set of rules for things that were deemed sinful. As a child, this can be very confusing. You may feel a certain way about things but are told the opposite.
This leads you to suppress the parts that you believe could put you in jeopardy of not being loved and accepted. For example, girls will be taught to stay small, quiet, and out of trouble. Boys will be taught that showing any sign of emotion is weakness.
Childhood Confusion-
You’ll start internalizing messages like this and if you’re a boy, suppress your emotions to gain the approval of those around you. However, bottling your emotions will only lead them to simmer and explode later.
Girls won’t speak up or ask for what they deserve in relationships and the world out of fear of not being accepted. This leads to them sacrificing their happiness for approval. Even though most of these instances will occur in childhood, it could forever cloud the lens of your adulthood, if you don’t deal with it sooner or later.
These are vast generalizations of course but this is one example of how your shadow could’ve come to be. In today’s time, things are slightly improving, but these constraints still stick with us. Messages like this have been passed down for generations and can be tough to break the cycle of.
Do This When-
When you don’t embrace and accept your shadow self it can manifest itself in other ways. Things like addiction, alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, anger, and gossiping can all point back to the shadow self.
You’ll go on an amazing healing journey by learning to love all parts of yourself. This can lead you to break old unhealthy patterns from childhood and grow into your fullest potential.
It’s best to do shadow work when you’re in a pretty good headspace already. If you’re having a rough time, grieving, or not feeling your best, wait until you’re a bit more emotionally stable. Shadow work is hard… and while it’s important, you don’t want to kick yourself when you’re down. Before beginning this work, take time to think if you’re in a good place to face your darkest shadows.
Look For Triggers-
When starting this work you’ll want to watch out for your triggers. Triggers are things that set us off, for no apparent reason. Look deeper into the things and people that trigger you.
Most often when we’re triggered, it has more to do with us than with that other person or thing. What we don’t like in other people is usually exactly what we don’t like about ourselves.
We’ll gossip about that thing someone did or said when we wish that we were courageous enough to do or say that thing. You might wish you were more outgoing, so you’ll hate those people that are. When in reality, it’s you who’s struggling internally.
It doesn’t have much to do at all with the other person. By taking mental and physical notes of what triggers you, you can begin to identify what your shadow self is trying to communicate to you.
The same can be said with people you idolize. You might put people on a pedestal because you wish you were more like them. Look out for who you idolize, they can also show you what you feel you’re missing within yourself.
Relationships-
Relationships are probably the best way to find your shadow. We tend to enter into relationships with people who represent our shadow in a way. You feel that your personality is missing something so you’ll seek that out in a partner. Only to find out later that that thing is what drives you crazy about them. Is it your partner’s fault or are you seeing your shadow self in the form of a different human?
Your partner probably feels the same way about your shadow self. Dig into your relationships to figure out what it is about your partner that you can’t stand and connect it to the parts of you that could’ve been repressed and see if they match up.
At first, it may seem like two completely separate issues but if you look closer they might be more connected than you think.
You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to do this exercise. You can do this with friends, family, coworkers, basically anyone you spend a lot of time with. While it may be more obvious in a situation where you’re in a relationship, you can still easily find your shadow just the same…all you have to do is look.
Shadow Work How To-
Shadow work is not a one-and-done type of exercise. It’ll realistically be something you need to check in with from time to time for the rest of your life. Becoming self-aware and staring at your dark side isn’t easy but it’s necessary. Self-development is sticky and not always fun but so worth it.
Start this exercise by doing this shadow work meditation.
Work through these questions after meditating.
Shadow Work Prompts-
- What aspects of my personality do I dislike most?
- Which aspects bother me most about others?
- What childhood experience could’ve led me to feel this way about myself and others?
- Do my relationships follow certain patterns?
- Where in my life am I letting myself down?
- Have I been a good friend, partner, etc lately?
- Where in my life do I have trouble setting boundaries?
- Am I currently acting in a way that aligns with my goals and visions?
- How can I align my actions and goals?
- What steps can I take to be a better person while staying authentic to myself?
After you are finished, find a way to let out any pent-up rage. Scream into a pillow, dance, do a workout, cry, visit a rage room, whatever works best for you to release that pent-up anger and aggression from your shadow self.
Finish it off by sending yourself love to end on a high note. Write down five things you love about yourself, take a bath, stretch, watch a comedy, cook yourself a nice meal, or whatever you need to make yourself feel loved.
If you can afford it, seek the help of a mental health professional that specializes in shadow work. Depending on where you live this could be easy or difficult to find. If you already have a therapist you can tell them that you’d like to explore your shadow side during some sessions.
Shadow Self Maintenance-
This process may need to be completed for a few days in a row or once a week for a few weeks to bring your shadow into the light. The best part about it is that when your shadow self doesn’t feel the need to hide anymore, it won’t try to show up in other aggressive ways. Yes, it’s there but it is fully accepted, loved, and under control.
Conclusion-
Healing is a current popular topic but don’t be fooled by the “love and light” type messages out there. Yes, we must have love and light in our lives but still, every now and then we must peek into the shadows to see what’s there.
Hopefully, practicing shadow work will help you release any old habits and patterns that are no longer serving you, to bring forth more self-love and self-respect into your life.
